This post is going to be a bit unusual. I’ve been stuck in a rut lately. I think one of the few ways I can get out of it is by writing something not for other people, but for myself. That was probably what made this fun in the first place. I’m not going to try to impress anyone here. That’s kinda the whole point of this site, at least according to my tagline. I’m writing because I think I have something to say, but rarely find the appropriate context to say it in.
I often get asked what I’ve been up to.
“What’s new? What have you been up to?”
I always get tense when I’m asked that question and I think I know why. I know the answer, but the words can’t spill out of my mouth. It’s hard for me to come up with an answer that’s socially acceptable, but I’ll try to say it now. No one wants to hear about another Millenial questioning stuff and trying to go on a “journey.” I kinda hate to admit it, but that’s exactly what’s going on. I spend a lot of time journaling, writing, and just straight-up contemplating life. To justify this phase or at least feel more comfortable about it, I like to refer to a little quote from David Deida, the author of Way of the Superior Man (I know – what a title. Despite addressing men directly, I think it applies to women, too.):
“A man must be prepared to give 100% of his purpose, fulfill his karma or dissolve it, and then let go of that specific form of living. He must be capable of not knowing what to do with his life, entering a period of unknowingness and waiting for a vision or a new form of purpose to emerge. These cycles of strong specific action followed by periods of not knowing what the hell is going on are natural for a man who is shedding layers of karma in his relaxation into truth.”
I think I’m in that period of unknowingness, but to everyone else it probably looks like I’m wasting time. Sometimes I feel the same way. I’m not saying this to defend the way I use my time. Rather, I’m sharing this because we make ourselves and each other feel worse for going through these phases that feel “unproductive.” I think these times are calling us to something better that we can’t see coming yet. There’s this hunch that I’m going to follow, even if right now it feels like a waiting game.