I woke up early Friday morning, with no particular place to be. After a short work week, I felt like I should be doing something important. I was still slightly sleepy when I walked into the living room and my mom asked:
‘Can you go drop your brother off at BART today?’
It was such a simple, non-demanding request, but the context really frustrated me. I noted the way I was feeling, and reluctantly said ‘sure.’ I wait for my brother to get ready, a process which took longer than I really cared for. At the time I was preoccupied with my own life situation:
“Why I don’t I have somewhere important to be?”
“Why haven’t I fixed this situation yet?”
Mind you, I realize now typing this how negative I probably sound, but that was just the truth at the time.
As I contemplated my life situation and my brother was getting ready, I started up the car. I couldn’t figure out what was the matter with me. I couldn’t get myself to apply anywhere to work. Even though I could interview for a position like the one I had before, I didn’t really feel right doing it. I didn’t want to lie to the interviewer and tell them how I excited I was to work there. In my darkest moments at that job I couldn’t even get myself to blog about being internally I conflicted I was at that place.
So while I’m having this internal dialogue, my brother gets in and tries to start up some conversation with me:
“So what are you getting into today?”
I didn’t turn to look at him or anything when I said.
“Just you know, training and stuff… nothing really.”
The rest of the car ride was completely silent. We got to the passenger drop-off zone, and he opened the door saying
“Alright, thanks. I’ll see you later.”
I said bye and proceeded to leave the station. On the way out I impatiently tried to pass another car at the drop off zone. At that point I realized that I was going over the edge for no reason at all.
Upon arriving I went to my room to sit for a few minutes to breathe, and recenter my head for a few minutes. Then, feeling that that didn’t really work, I went on my computer to write for a little bit. As I start typing whatever came to mind, everything I wrote reflected the bad mood I was in. I wanted those thoughts to have theirs say so I could really let go of them.
Getting down to the root of it, I realized the fact that I was comparing myself to other people. On the outside, to other people, I probably look like a big manchild. But on the inside I’m starting to see that things are working out for me. I’m learning helpful things that can help me for the rest of my life, I’m experimenting with different career paths, I’m saving up money and I’m in a good place to live. Overall, through that short writing session I really started to feel better about my life, the way I saw it.
And on the other hand, I’ve since decided to stop focusing on other people’s outsides by not paying much attention to their Facebook profiles. I realized how Facebook can be kind of a way that people make up for a lack of connection, so I’ve chosen to stay off of it for the month of April. I often found myself checking it just to see what was up with other people in my life, only to bum myself out that I didn’t seem to be progressing like they were. In the end, I don’t think Facebook is really a bad tool to use, but for me this month of April will be a time to stop comparing my insides to other people’s outsides.
Thanks for reading,