I was sitting down at a cafe this Saturday typing on this computer, two hours before I was teaching a meditation class.
Prior to this day, this would have been something I’d nervously look forward to.
This time, however, a lot of doubt loomed inside of my head.
I was doubting whether or not people really benefit from having been to my group. I was doubting how my practice has even helped me, seeing as how externally I’m mostly the same person I was as when I started it.
These were the thoughts that my fingers typed into the word processor as I was supposed to be preparing for another fun, insightful, and powerful event. At least it was supposed to be all those things.
I hosted the event anyways, and as I prepared the room I let these thoughts settle down a little bit. Soon enough, people trickled into the room and I was beginning to facilitate this experience for them. It was easy enough to guide people through the motions, but as I was asked more and more about the purpose of these exercises, I was beginning to show my lack of confidence (well, maybe it was earlier than that). I was supposed to be showing people how to coach themselves, how to slow down their thought process so they can choose the thoughts that empower them the most.
Yet I was having such a hard time doing that for myself in my own life.
Throughout the week, whether I was out working or talking to friends, I would let my mind drift into a downward spiral that pulled me stronger and stronger by the hour. I’m sure I’ve noticed this happening before, but this time I was a bit more aware of the patterns that were presenting themselves.
I would blame my family for distracting me, my own coach for not “waving a magic wand” and handing me the dream life, and myself for not being courageous or diligent enough to create it.
While typing away in that cafe I read a message in my inbox, and in it I heard a message loud and clear:
“Your best thinking got you here.”
From start to finish, I created all the things I was experiencing in my life – the lack of a romantic partner, my financial issues, living situation and the few problems I deal with at home. My best thinking got me here, and so I’m once again ready to step up my line of thinking. I’m asking for the right help from the people who can. I’m going to ditch my ways of thinking that aren’t useful anymore.
As my meetup was drawing to a close I still had those looming doubts circling in my head. Although I received lots of appreciation and good feedback from the group, I truly hoped that they got something valuable from their experience.
They say that you end up teaching the things you need to learn the most. If that’s any indication of being on the right path, then I think I’m onto something golden.
Here’s to our continual growth and learning,